Mummies the word

Is it just me or is Maria Bello everywhere?

Until today I procrastinated

Music as a Human Thing

Today has turning out to be a very musical day. I found music in the news, music recommendation from friends and family, a top 20 Albums of all time list and all my favorite songs keep playing on the radio.

There used to be a show on VH1 where celebrities would sit in a circle in a living room type setting and share their top 3 lists. On this show they named Songs In The Key Of Life by Stevie Wonder as the number 1 album. Since then, (it’s been a very long time) I’ve meant to check this mythical album out. Until today I procrastinated. Music can change your life.

Note: When I googled to find the name of the show about lists, I found this reference. Although I haven’t checked out the rest of the site, this article is worth a glance.

Last Note: Why haven’t I ever heard Pastime Paradise? I feel like a noob that I didn’t know this highly recycled song existed. I guess I should have looked this album up 10 years ago when I first put it on my to-do list. Gasp!

Busted Monitoring Progress

Every now and then I have an odd thing happen around me involving electronics. Don’t think dirty, I’m talking about multiple electronic items crapping out on me around the same time. It’s usually a lot of little things and there are various, unrelated reasons for each thing happening. Dog chews through the cord to the vacuum. Five items in the house that take double A batteries all need the batteries replaced within a day or two. Filter on the fridge needs replacing. Half the lightbulbs in the house burn out.

The biggest deal item to go wonky this week is my 19 month old, 19 inch LG Flatron monitor. My secondary 15 inch monitor is now my only monitor. You go to bed with a monitor that works and you wake up with a monitor that does not. My husband tested it out with various computers and power cords with no luck. He tried contacting LG but was told he needed to call back between 7a and 7p Central Time.

Cost Effective Demand for New Possibilities

Yesterday was my oldest daughter’s 13^th birthday. My husband brought home the Wii. We, both daughters, husband and I had a blast. Best work out I’ve had in months. I am the bowling master!

Before that I had a phone conversation with EX2 that lasted a long time. I’m not sure how long because my cell died and we switched to the land line. I’m thinking it was over three hours. In the Landmark Forum there is an activity where you expose a way you’ve been inauthentic in a relationship and you own up to it. You then share with the person what you were doing, what that has cost the relationship and what you are now committed to.

For me this is a powerful process that makes possibilities in established relationships. Possibilities that did not seem possible before. Before today, I was only brave enough to do this with my mother and my husband. My mother unconditionally loves me. It could be said that this activity with my mother would be too easy to have much impact. It’s over two weeks later and I can guarantee I’ve never felt so close to my mother. Feel free to ask me about our dyad two and ten years from now.

To prepare for talking with my mother, I wrote out what I wanted to say in letter form. The morning that I called her, I read the letter to her. I am my mother’s daughter and we were weepy before I made it through, but I did. Below is a copy of the letter I read to my mother.

Dear Mom,

I hope this note finds you doing well. Of all the people that are important to me, you’re THE original important person and there are some things that I’m excited to share with you. For a few months I’ve been planning for an event in my life. This weekend I’m participating in the Landmark Forum. The Landmark Forum is a three and a half day event designed to transform life.

During my planning I outlined what I wanted to accomplish in the Landmark Forum. For a very long time I’ve felt mostly dead, like I wasn’t living my life but some fake uninspired pretense of living. Not liking the stranger I was – I wanted to change my way of thinking and become someone I’d want to be friends with. What I’m actually accomplishing is the creation of a new possibility of being.

The possibility that I have invented for myself and my life is the possibility of being courageous. At some point in my life, I made up a lie to protect myself and to avoid responsibility. I told myself that my mother wasn’t strong enough to handle the burden of me being straight with her. I painted that I was descended from victim type people and that that was the reason that I was a victim. I’m so sorry that I used you to validate my not dealing with what is. I’m so sorry for what my lies have lost us.

Not only was this a lie about you to cop out on taking responsibility for my life, it was a crap story that invalidated the amazing and powerful person that you are. Without your unconditional love and genuine openness, I know I would not be near the mother that I am for my girls. The best part of any relationship I’ve ever had comes from you unselfishly embracing me exactly as I am.

Because I made up this story, I’ve withheld my feelings and struggles from you. I’ve lost out on a level of intimacy that’s unique between a parent and a child. Setting up this imaginary scenario, I’ve endangered my parent-child relationship with my girls. Keeping you at a distance from me has been like cutting out one of my own perfectly good organs and trying to live like I’m whole.

From the Landmark Forum, I hoped to change my life someday. What I’ve gotten is that a new realm of possibility can be and I can create it by sharing it with you now. I am committed to transforming my life and being my word. I am committed to a powerful relationship with you that is open and honest and brave.

As THE original important person in my life, I’m inviting you to share in the conclusion of the Landmark Forum this Tuesday evening. It would mean a great deal to me for you to be there at the beginning of my life lived authentically just like you were there with me when I was born free 32 years ago. Thank you for inspiring me to finally want what’s best for me, just like you’ve always wanted.

Love,

Your Forever Amber

Today I have a counseling appointment with EX2. We’re actually meeting with our daughter’s counselor without our daughter. There’s much to say about my conversation yesterday with EX2, but I feel justified in waiting until after our meeting this evening. Living a transformed life is not about easy or light. Responsibility is heavy. But what purpose an unused tool… ;~). That was me.

*edited for spelling

Toe dip into post Landmark Forum

This time last year, I had never heard of Landmark Education. I knew nothing about the Landmark Forum or the Advanced Courses. The name Werner Erhard would not have rung a bell. Two weeks ago I completed the Landmark Forum.

The way I should write is to think the thoughts and then write the words. More often for me, the process of writing works like a conversation to flesh out how I feel and think. Pending clarity on a level unprecedented, here I go with my usual prefacing and winging it.

The Landmark Forum is ridiculously brilliant. I’m glad I went. I’ll be forever changed. However, the concepts are not unique or original. The people of Landmark Education are not as transparent as they claim to be by stating all they say is true. It’s true, they do not seem to lie, but they are masters at what they do.

As an average, relatively unsophisticated woman; I don’t have the vocabulary, experience, training or background to articulate an educated view about my experience. Yet I do have feelings and opinions that my nearest and dearest have asked me to share. Bear with me as I wrestle through it.

He says you may feel free to call him Ex-A if you like.

Facts: I’m a 32 years old proud mother of two daughters, 9 and 13 years old. I’m the ex-wife of two different men, one father each to each of my girls. My current husband and I have been married since October of ’06. If I wrote that correctly, you’ll now get that I’ve had two divorces and three “I do’s.”

Opinions mixed with facts: I live in Arizona because I feel it’s the best choice right now. My daughters’ fathers’ live in Arizona. So I live in Arizona. And my husband lives in Arizona because I live in Arizona. But he doesn’t really want to live here either. If I hadn’t had children with two different men while in Arizona things would be different. But I did and this is how it is.

turn at the fork you

Whether confession is good for my soul or my complexion or whatever, I thought I’d give it a try. I read my three public entries here. I noticed the angry tone in the more recent two and had to acknowledge that I’m deeply angry. Not just “I miss smoking” angry either. On occasion I’ve thought it to myself or owned up to a few folks, “I may be angry under this other obvious emotion.” Yet, this emotion is bigger, older and hotter then previously assumed.

Taking note of the anger in my general blog tone, I did think about deleting Amberview and not starting over. I see that I just want to kick something. I’m not going to put my head in the sand or kick myself – two plans of action I’m damned familiar with. The plan of the moment is simply to write through the anger to the rage and see what’s on the other side.

I apologize if anyone reads on and objects to harsh views and or language. Not knowing where I’m going with this doesn’t mean I don’t know it’s going to get rough. It will be rough and all over the place and difficult to follow at times. Hopefully there will be a daring denouement to make us feel like the ride was worth it. Bite sized pieces when I can. Keep your arms and legs in during the duration.

If Diamonds = Girl’s BF, Woman’s BF = ?

Nothing says “Holiday” like a jewelry store ad. If you love her, you’ll prove it by spending a month or two of your salary on jewelry so she can show her friends that her man is better than their men. How can a woman advocate equality of the sexes and then buy into the lie that affection must be expressed with expenditures on non-necessities?

Don’t get me wrong. I am a consumer whore and I worship at the church of capitalism. I just don’t like the current marketing myth about men, women and diamonds. OMG, he bought it at Jared!.. If you can put aside where diamonds come from, I’ll tell you that buying a diamond for your girl is not evil. The belief that love must be expressed with expensive gifts that she can use as proof of said love is what I take issue with.

Breathe, rinse, repeat

About an hour ago I sat down to write this post. This could be the post that actually get’s posted or it could be my fifth attempt since my last posting eleven or so days ago. In the last hour I’ve written and deleted several fragment thoughts. I’ve checked my mail, began and canceled an online product survey and put lotion on my hands twice.

What I hadn’t done until about five minutes ago was figure out how to pour my current thoughts into something somewhat coherent. Here I am alone in my office and five minutes ago I slapped my hand to my head and laughed out loud. My thoughts weren’t incoherent; I just didn’t want to think them on the deeper level that writing about them would require.

Before about an hour ago I forced myself to run/walk one mile on my treadmill. Since I quit smoking on Sunday, June 22nd and requite smoking on Sunday, June 29th, I’ve been eating near non-stop.

I’ve tried to curb the “put things in my mouth” habit with large amounts of Orbits chewing gum. Combine side affects such as sore jaw, raw tongue and actually being able to smell for the first time in several years and then wonder with me how I’m eating at all.

Seriously, everything smells! Who knew that when I was smoking my cloves and enjoying every last drag that there was an olfactory universe of perceptions I was oblivious to? It’s like upgrading from a black and white TV to an HD Plasma screen.

I never eat in the dark but I’d just as soon not be able to smell everything. We had Chinese food the other night. One bite of egg roll dipped in sweet and sour sauce and I gagged and had to spit it out. I thought it was rotten but according to my husband and my daughter, it tasted like it always does. So, despite the fact that everything smells and I don’t like the way food tastes, I haven’t stopped eating.

Feeling uncomfortably full of food makes it difficult to sleep. But I won’t kid you or myself, I’m not much of a sleeper and that’s just the current excuse. And I’m more accurately full of fluids since I’ve been drinking my diet coke, coffee and water more than actually eating; which says a lot because I’ve been eating at least three times my usual daily amount. It also hints like a boot to the head why I really don’t sleep.

Besides procrastination and not wanting to think too deeply, I’ve had issues with posting because I used to smoke while writing. I should feel proud of myself that I quit. I should feel healthier. I should feel like I can breathe easier. And yet, I don’t. Voice in my head says, “I don’t smoke. I don’t smoke. I don’t smoke.” And then it laughs.

So what if I might not die from cancer as soon as I might if I continued smoking. So what if my kids might make the choice as adults to not smoke after watching their mother have the courage and strength to quit. So what if I don’t get the trailer park lip lines from long time smoking. So what if I might have stopped in time to not lose my voice to a voice box. Pretty much the only real “what” is the non-wasted money. Of course, I may be eating the difference.

With all the “should feels” about not smoking, I’m actually mostly feeling angry. I miss the nicotine. I miss the oral gratification. I miss feeling content. Life without smoking is like sex without orgasm. It’s alright but frustrating. The anger is directed at me. Every time someone says, “Good job,” the voice in my head says “F-you.” I’m being strong and I don’t care. I’ll continue to be strong and continue to not smoke, but it sucks and I suck and I’m wishing I was.

About an hour ago I realized that I couldn’t write about anything I might want to write about until I wrote about not smoking. I’m filled up with not smoking and I can’t talk about it. My husband quit with me and I would have to be cruel to share. All the non-smokers would list all the reasons why it’s a good thing that I quit and it makes me want to light up when I think “F-you” toward well meaning friends and family.

So I eat and I drink and I make ugh faces when I taste and I smell. For those of you wondering if I’m going to balloon into a pre-sub diet Jared, don’t worry. I’m acknowledging that I’ve been binging without the purging and I’m already taking steps. (She writes as she shakes the bag of chips to ascertain how much is left.)

For now I’ll continue to not smoke, continue to breathe and try sleep.

P.S. to well meaning friends and family: I adore you for your kind words of encouragement. It does help. The nasty nicotine monkey on my back has a potty mouth and for that I sincerely apologize. Bad monkey – no cookie! Mmmm… cookies…

Night Before Landmark Education Forum

The Santa Rosa Plateau in Riverside, California is a place I used to drive to back when I sported a provisional driver’s license. Getting lost following my favorite morning dew covered trail, I’d tilt my head back with my eyes closed and absorb. Sixteen year old me wasn’t aware of it but I know this was a way of replacing the chaos inside me with the calm. Double my life and five hundred miles away, I’m questing to find my way back there.

Tonight is momentous as the night before my Landmark Education Forum. I’m anticipating a great experience and yet the coward in me is twitching with anxiety. Commemorating the occasion and initiating my idea to chronicle my directed transformation is made difficult by a bad case of nerves.

Put plainly, I’m scared. Since it’s irrational fear I don’t know how to debate it into submission. For now, I’ll label it as fear of new places, crowds, strangers, unfamiliar parking, strong feelings and failure. Now that that’s out of the way, I can move onto the meat.

• What is Landmark Education? I’m going to hold off on answering that question until I can answer it better.
• Why are you going to this ‘Forum’? I’m unsatisfied with the way I’m living my life. Tired of “not living up to my full potential.” I’ve tried for years to improve. I’m weary of inching forward, hitting setbacks and stretches of apathy. My hope is that I’ll learn something about the self-defeating ways I’ve been thinking and doing. I want to recognize the lies and the myths that I’ve been taught. I want to learn what a healthy assertive person is like and try to become one. I want to do this for me. I want to do this for my daughters, both to inspire them and as a preventative to becoming a cautionary tale. Everyday of semi-living is a gift thrown away.
• Do you think three days and a night at some seminar will cure you or make you a better person? Nope. I can’t say what it will do and what it won’t do before I experience it for myself. However, what I do expect is that the proven methods and ideals behind Landmark Education’s Forum will profoundly affect me and the way that I view things. I think that it’s up to me to do something with whatever I experience over these next few days. I’m also under the impression that the support of the individuals involved with Landmark Education and the people I meet who are- like me- participating this weekend, extends behind this ‘seminar.’ I’ll be as involved as I want to be.
• Aren’t you worried you’ll become someone you’re not? I’m already someone I’m not. I’m taking steps to clear away the clutter I’ve lost myself in. I do not believe anyone can change you, but you. On my own, I have made some progress in the right direction. This is just another step. Or maybe a guided leap would be a more apt description.
• Are you still scared? I might be again in the morning, but I’m sure I won’t have enough time to stew in it. But no. Right now, I don’t feel fear. I feel excited and motivated. Open for a new experience. Maybe a little sleepy too.

The current time is 11:59 p.m. I hope to be in bed by 12:05 a.m. I’m setting my alarm for 4:30 a.m. The plan is to arrive at the Landmark Education location by 8:20 a.m. The Forum itself begins at 9 a.m. and can run to around 11 p.m. I hope to be able to write a little something each day. With a 30 mile drive home, being able to post may be overoptimistic.