Cost Effective Demand for New Possibilities
July 17, 2008Yesterday was my oldest daughter’s 13th birthday. My husband brought home the Wii. We, both daughters, husband and I had a blast. Best work out I’ve had in months. I am the bowling master!
Before that I had a phone conversation with EX2 that lasted a long time. I’m not sure how long because my cell died and we switched to the land line. I’m thinking it was over three hours. In the Landmark Forum there is an activity where you expose a way you’ve been inauthentic in a relationship and you own up to it. You then share with the person what you were doing, what that has cost the relationship and what you are now committed to.
For me this is a powerful process that makes possibilities in established relationships. Possibilities that did not seem possible before. Before today, I was only brave enough to do this with my mother and my husband. My mother unconditionally loves me. It could be said that this activity with my mother would be too easy to have much impact. It’s over two weeks later and I can guarantee I’ve never felt so close to my mother. Feel free to ask me about our dyad two and ten years from now.
To prepare for talking with my mother, I wrote out what I wanted to say in letter form. The morning that I called her, I read the letter to her. I am my mother’s daughter and we were weepy before I made it through, but I did. Below is a copy of the letter I read to my mother.
Dear Mom,
I hope this note finds you doing well. Of all the people that are important to me, you’re THE original important person and there are some things that I’m excited to share with you. For a few months I’ve been planning for an event in my life. This weekend I’m participating in the Landmark Forum. The Landmark Forum is a three and a half day event designed to transform life.
During my planning I outlined what I wanted to accomplish in the Landmark Forum. For a very long time I’ve felt mostly dead, like I wasn’t living my life but some fake uninspired pretense of living. Not liking the stranger I was – I wanted to change my way of thinking and become someone I’d want to be friends with. What I’m actually accomplishing is the creation of a new possibility of being.
The possibility that I have invented for myself and my life is the possibility of being courageous. At some point in my life, I made up a lie to protect myself and to avoid responsibility. I told myself that my mother wasn’t strong enough to handle the burden of me being straight with her. I painted that I was descended from victim type people and that that was the reason that I was a victim. I’m so sorry that I used you to validate my not dealing with what is. I’m so sorry for what my lies have lost us.
Not only was this a lie about you to cop out on taking responsibility for my life, it was a crap story that invalidated the amazing and powerful person that you are. Without your unconditional love and genuine openness, I know I would not be near the mother that I am for my girls. The best part of any relationship I’ve ever had comes from you unselfishly embracing me exactly as I am.
Because I made up this story, I’ve withheld my feelings and struggles from you. I’ve lost out on a level of intimacy that’s unique between a parent and a child. Setting up this imaginary scenario, I’ve endangered my parent-child relationship with my girls. Keeping you at a distance from me has been like cutting out one of my own perfectly good organs and trying to live like I’m whole.
From the Landmark Forum, I hoped to change my life someday. What I’ve gotten is that a new realm of possibility can be and I can create it by sharing it with you now. I am committed to transforming my life and being my word. I am committed to a powerful relationship with you that is open and honest and brave.
As THE original important person in my life, I’m inviting you to share in the conclusion of the Landmark Forum this Tuesday evening. It would mean a great deal to me for you to be there at the beginning of my life lived authentically just like you were there with me when I was born free 32 years ago. Thank you for inspiring me to finally want what’s best for me, just like you’ve always wanted.
Love,
Your Forever Amber
Today I have a counseling appointment with EX2. We’re actually meeting with our daughter’s counselor without our daughter. There’s much to say about my conversation yesterday with EX2, but I feel justified in waiting until after our meeting this evening. Living a transformed life is not about easy or light. Responsibility is heavy. But what purpose an unused tool… ;~). That was me.
*edited for spelling
What a wonderful letter, full of possibilities. I am so happy for you!
As a fellow LM graduate I congratulate you!
Your mums response?
Diva, Thank you so much!
Maria, Thanks! She was wonderful. In our talk she asked about how we make up stories. I gave her an example of how she says she’s not a quick thinker. In the same conversation she demonstrated quick wit and I was able to point out that she is in fact quicker then she gives herself credit for. I believe it inspired her.
Tuesday night, before the final meeting, my parents had dinner with us near the meeting’s location. They said they were going to go. At the conclusion of the meal, my dad said he had to lovingly decline the invitation to go to the Landmark meeting. My father’s choice meant that my mother did not get to go as well.
Don’t worry though. I anticipated that my father and I would be a work in progress for a long while. Before the forum I would not have thought progress would be possible at all. I am creating the possibility of persevering. I will not give up on having a healthy relationship with my dad.
~Amber
I have nevet heard or thought of the possibility of perservering - its a good one. It reminds me of ‘every little thing counts’ or ‘it’s better to do something than to do nothing’ which are thoughts I have created lately.
Looking forward to hearing more and to be touched, moved and inspired.
xx