Breathe, rinse, repeat

About an hour ago I sat down to write this post. This could be the post that actually get’s posted or it could be my fifth attempt since my last posting eleven or so days ago. In the last hour I’ve written and deleted several fragment thoughts. I’ve checked my mail, began and canceled an online product survey and put lotion on my hands twice.

What I hadn’t done until about five minutes ago was figure out how to pour my current thoughts into something somewhat coherent. Here I am alone in my office and five minutes ago I slapped my hand to my head and laughed out loud. My thoughts weren’t incoherent; I just didn’t want to think them on the deeper level that writing about them would require.

Before about an hour ago I forced myself to run/walk one mile on my treadmill. Since I quit smoking on Sunday, June 22nd and requite smoking on Sunday, June 29th, I’ve been eating near non-stop.

I’ve tried to curb the “put things in my mouth” habit with large amounts of Orbits chewing gum. Combine side affects such as sore jaw, raw tongue and actually being able to smell for the first time in several years and then wonder with me how I’m eating at all.

Seriously, everything smells! Who knew that when I was smoking my cloves and enjoying every last drag that there was an olfactory universe of perceptions I was oblivious to? It’s like upgrading from a black and white TV to an HD Plasma screen.

I never eat in the dark but I’d just as soon not be able to smell everything. We had Chinese food the other night. One bite of egg roll dipped in sweet and sour sauce and I gagged and had to spit it out. I thought it was rotten but according to my husband and my daughter, it tasted like it always does. So, despite the fact that everything smells and I don’t like the way food tastes, I haven’t stopped eating.

Feeling uncomfortably full of food makes it difficult to sleep. But I won’t kid you or myself, I’m not much of a sleeper and that’s just the current excuse. And I’m more accurately full of fluids since I’ve been drinking my diet coke, coffee and water more than actually eating; which says a lot because I’ve been eating at least three times my usual daily amount. It also hints like a boot to the head why I really don’t sleep.

Besides procrastination and not wanting to think too deeply, I’ve had issues with posting because I used to smoke while writing. I should feel proud of myself that I quit. I should feel healthier. I should feel like I can breathe easier. And yet, I don’t. Voice in my head says, “I don’t smoke. I don’t smoke. I don’t smoke.” And then it laughs.

So what if I might not die from cancer as soon as I might if I continued smoking. So what if my kids might make the choice as adults to not smoke after watching their mother have the courage and strength to quit. So what if I don’t get the trailer park lip lines from long time smoking. So what if I might have stopped in time to not lose my voice to a voice box. Pretty much the only real “what” is the non-wasted money. Of course, I may be eating the difference.

With all the “should feels” about not smoking, I’m actually mostly feeling angry. I miss the nicotine. I miss the oral gratification. I miss feeling content. Life without smoking is like sex without orgasm. It’s alright but frustrating. The anger is directed at me. Every time someone says, “Good job,” the voice in my head says “F-you.” I’m being strong and I don’t care. I’ll continue to be strong and continue to not smoke, but it sucks and I suck and I’m wishing I was.

About an hour ago I realized that I couldn’t write about anything I might want to write about until I wrote about not smoking. I’m filled up with not smoking and I can’t talk about it. My husband quit with me and I would have to be cruel to share. All the non-smokers would list all the reasons why it’s a good thing that I quit and it makes me want to light up when I think “F-you” toward well meaning friends and family.

So I eat and I drink and I make ugh faces when I taste and I smell. For those of you wondering if I’m going to balloon into a pre-sub diet Jared, don’t worry. I’m acknowledging that I’ve been binging without the purging and I’m already taking steps. (She writes as she shakes the bag of chips to ascertain how much is left.)

For now I’ll continue to not smoke, continue to breathe and try sleep.

P.S. to well meaning friends and family: I adore you for your kind words of encouragement. It does help. The nasty nicotine monkey on my back has a potty mouth and for that I sincerely apologize. Bad monkey – no cookie! Mmmm… cookies…