Today my dad turned 50. Next weekend well celebrate at his house. For today I called once in the morning with well wishes and the girls called him tonight to sing happy birthday via speaker phone.
Feels like I’m catching up.
dream to rip
August 19, 2008Today is the third Tuesday of the school year for both girls. We’re now getting into the nitty-gritty of a regular school year routine. So are the girls a little extra sensitive because I’m feeling unhappy about my husband being gone for work until Friday? There were tears tonight over spilled juice.
I didn’t sleep well last night. Over two weeks of sleeping at night and getting up early and last night was the first night of real issue. Three nights alone means I must be cautious of eating late and sleeping flat on my back. No one will be waking me from nightmares. Tonight is the most important. The next two I can sleep or not as long as what needs doing get’s done when it needs to be done.
Picture Game
August 15, 2008My friend Erin posted a photo game that I thought would be fun to do and share. Thanks Erin!
The concept:
a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into mosaic maker.
The Questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Your flickr name
1. melissa, ix, a punto de dar a luz…, 2. Just a Perfect Day, 3. Triple Exposure?, 4. full color, 5. still from ’secretary’, 6. X’s prize…, 7. the met reflected, 8. Castles on the Beach, 9. Radiance, 10. tranquility, 11. The Land of Misty, 12. Ambersand
Until today I procrastinated
July 30, 2008Music as a Human Thing
Today has turning out to be a very musical day. I found music in the news, music recommendation from friends and family, a top 20 Albums of all time list and all my favorite songs keep playing on the radio.
There used to be a show on VH1 where celebrities would sit in a circle in a living room type setting and share their top 3 lists. On this show they named Songs In The Key Of Life by Stevie Wonder as the number 1 album. Since then, (it’s been a very long time) I’ve meant to check this mythical album out. Until today I procrastinated. Music can change your life.
Note: When I googled to find the name of the show about lists, I found this reference. Although I haven’t checked out the rest of the site, this article is worth a glance.
Last Note: Why haven’t I ever heard Pastime Paradise? I feel like a noob that I didn’t know this highly recycled song existed. I guess I should have looked this album up 10 years ago when I first put it on my to-do list. Gasp!
Busted Monitoring Progress
July 25, 2008Every now and then I have an odd thing happen around me involving electronics. Don’t think dirty, I’m talking about multiple electronic items crapping out on me around the same time. It’s usually a lot of little things and there are various, unrelated reasons for each thing happening. Dog chews through the cord to the vacuum. Five items in the house that take double A batteries all need the batteries replaced within a day or two. Filter on the fridge needs replacing. Half the lightbulbs in the house burn out.
The biggest deal item to go wonky this week is my 19 month old, 19 inch LG Flatron monitor. My secondary 15 inch monitor is now my only monitor. You go to bed with a monitor that works and you wake up with a monitor that does not. My husband tested it out with various computers and power cords with no luck. He tried contacting LG but was told he needed to call back between 7a and 7p Central Time.
Read the rest of this entry »
Cost Effective Demand for New Possibilities
July 17, 2008Yesterday was my oldest daughter’s 13th birthday. My husband brought home the Wii. We, both daughters, husband and I had a blast. Best work out I’ve had in months. I am the bowling master!
Before that I had a phone conversation with EX2 that lasted a long time. I’m not sure how long because my cell died and we switched to the land line. I’m thinking it was over three hours. In the Landmark Forum there is an activity where you expose a way you’ve been inauthentic in a relationship and you own up to it. You then share with the person what you were doing, what that has cost the relationship and what you are now committed to.
For me this is a powerful process that makes possibilities in established relationships. Possibilities that did not seem possible before. Before today, I was only brave enough to do this with my mother and my husband. My mother unconditionally loves me. It could be said that this activity with my mother would be too easy to have much impact. It’s over two weeks later and I can guarantee I’ve never felt so close to my mother. Feel free to ask me about our dyad two and ten years from now.
To prepare for talking with my mother, I wrote out what I wanted to say in letter form. The morning that I called her, I read the letter to her. I am my mother’s daughter and we were weepy before I made it through, but I did. Below is a copy of the letter I read to my mother.
Dear Mom,
I hope this note finds you doing well. Of all the people that are important to me, you’re THE original important person and there are some things that I’m excited to share with you. For a few months I’ve been planning for an event in my life. This weekend I’m participating in the Landmark Forum. The Landmark Forum is a three and a half day event designed to transform life.
During my planning I outlined what I wanted to accomplish in the Landmark Forum. For a very long time I’ve felt mostly dead, like I wasn’t living my life but some fake uninspired pretense of living. Not liking the stranger I was – I wanted to change my way of thinking and become someone I’d want to be friends with. What I’m actually accomplishing is the creation of a new possibility of being.
The possibility that I have invented for myself and my life is the possibility of being courageous. At some point in my life, I made up a lie to protect myself and to avoid responsibility. I told myself that my mother wasn’t strong enough to handle the burden of me being straight with her. I painted that I was descended from victim type people and that that was the reason that I was a victim. I’m so sorry that I used you to validate my not dealing with what is. I’m so sorry for what my lies have lost us.
Not only was this a lie about you to cop out on taking responsibility for my life, it was a crap story that invalidated the amazing and powerful person that you are. Without your unconditional love and genuine openness, I know I would not be near the mother that I am for my girls. The best part of any relationship I’ve ever had comes from you unselfishly embracing me exactly as I am.
Because I made up this story, I’ve withheld my feelings and struggles from you. I’ve lost out on a level of intimacy that’s unique between a parent and a child. Setting up this imaginary scenario, I’ve endangered my parent-child relationship with my girls. Keeping you at a distance from me has been like cutting out one of my own perfectly good organs and trying to live like I’m whole.
From the Landmark Forum, I hoped to change my life someday. What I’ve gotten is that a new realm of possibility can be and I can create it by sharing it with you now. I am committed to transforming my life and being my word. I am committed to a powerful relationship with you that is open and honest and brave.
As THE original important person in my life, I’m inviting you to share in the conclusion of the Landmark Forum this Tuesday evening. It would mean a great deal to me for you to be there at the beginning of my life lived authentically just like you were there with me when I was born free 32 years ago. Thank you for inspiring me to finally want what’s best for me, just like you’ve always wanted.
Love,
Your Forever Amber
Today I have a counseling appointment with EX2. We’re actually meeting with our daughter’s counselor without our daughter. There’s much to say about my conversation yesterday with EX2, but I feel justified in waiting until after our meeting this evening. Living a transformed life is not about easy or light. Responsibility is heavy. But what purpose an unused tool… ;~). That was me.
*edited for spelling
Toe dip into post Landmark Forum
July 16, 2008This time last year, I had never heard of Landmark Education. I knew nothing about the Landmark Forum or the Advanced Courses. The name Werner Erhard would not have rung a bell. Two weeks ago I completed the Landmark Forum.
The way I should write is to think the thoughts and then write the words. More often for me, the process of writing works like a conversation to flesh out how I feel and think. Pending clarity on a level unprecedented, here I go with my usual prefacing and winging it.
The Landmark Forum is ridiculously brilliant. I’m glad I went. I’ll be forever changed. However, the concepts are not unique or original. The people of Landmark Education are not as transparent as they claim to be by stating all they say is true. It’s true, they do not seem to lie, but they are masters at what they do.
As an average, relatively unsophisticated woman; I don’t have the vocabulary, experience, training or background to articulate an educated view about my experience. Yet I do have feelings and opinions that my nearest and dearest have asked me to share. Bear with me as I wrestle through it.
He says you may feel free to call him Ex-A if you like.
July 15, 2008Facts: I’m a 32 years old proud mother of two daughters, 9 and 13 years old. I’m the ex-wife of two different men, one father each to each of my girls. My current husband and I have been married since October of ’06. If I wrote that correctly, you’ll now get that I’ve had two divorces and three “I do’s.”
Opinions mixed with facts: I live in Arizona because I feel it’s the best choice right now. My daughters’ fathers’ live in Arizona. So I live in Arizona. And my husband lives in Arizona because I live in Arizona. But he doesn’t really want to live here either. If I hadn’t had children with two different men while in Arizona things would be different. But I did and this is how it is.
turn at the fork you
July 15, 2008Whether confession is good for my soul or my complexion or whatever, I thought I’d give it a try. I read my three public entries here. I noticed the angry tone in the more recent two and had to acknowledge that I’m deeply angry. Not just “I miss smoking” angry either. On occasion I’ve thought it to myself or owned up to a few folks, “I may be angry under this other obvious emotion.” Yet, this emotion is bigger, older and hotter then previously assumed.
Taking note of the anger in my general blog tone, I did think about deleting Amberview and not starting over. I see that I just want to kick something. I’m not going to put my head in the sand or kick myself – two plans of action I’m damned familiar with. The plan of the moment is simply to write through the anger to the rage and see what’s on the other side.
I apologize if anyone reads on and objects to harsh views and or language. Not knowing where I’m going with this doesn’t mean I don’t know it’s going to get rough. It will be rough and all over the place and difficult to follow at times. Hopefully there will be a daring denouement to make us feel like the ride was worth it. Bite sized pieces when I can. Keep your arms and legs in during the duration.
